Category: the Rant Board
Do you notice a lot of people when they communicate tend to put themselves down a lot? And they do it casually as if it wasn't a big deal. Y'know, saying things like "I know I'm a moron, but ..." or " Maybe I'm boring you guys and should just shut up ..." or "maybe I'm just stupid, but ..." and don't even get me started about all the apologizing. Now, this is one human behavior I just don't understand. Are people just wanting to be all humble and not act like they're all full of themselves, or is this just plain straight-up shitty self-esteem talking? Are people putting themselves down because they expect others will and so they are making a kind of preventive strike? Yes, I admit unashamedly it's my idealistic side coming out, but this bothers me. Do most people just plain loathe themselves that much?
I expect one day, somebody will make one of these casual put-downs to themselves, and some crass individual will come along and say, "Yes, you are stupid and I wish you'd just shut up and go away!" Is this what people want?
I think some people do it for attention, wanting the other person to say "No you're not stupid" etc. But other people really do have low self-esteem. And I think some people don't even realize they do it as often as they do. I've been told I do it a lot, and I don't even catch it half the time.
I do it a hell of a lot and I think that your right on both counts. It is about self-esteme, and it's about trying to be humble and not big-hedded
hmmm, I read in a book somewhere that you make your oppinion on someone with the first thing that comes out of there mouth. and if the first thing they say is negative then that's what you tend to think about that person. I know I do it!
For me personally, I will sometimes put myself down, but I usually have reasons to back up what I say. Or, in some cases I'll say something like: "Well, I'm not too bad, I think I may have potential" or something like that. What does annoy me sometimes, is when people put themselves down and don't have evidence to back up what they say, I try to have a balanced viewpoint, noone can be perfect, but noone can be totally inadiquate either.
And this is the thing. It seems, the way you hear people talk, they see themselves as being inadequate all across the board when they actually are talented or smart or interesting or whatever. What do you think contributes to this. Family? Advertising? Anything else?
Yep, a little of each. occasionally its compliment fishing. i know because i'm guilty of it. i used to put myself down a lot more than i used to, but soon discovered people interpreted it as whining, complaining, when they were happy, and they didn't want to be burdend with it. in the long run, its hte easiest way to lose friends.
A little off topic, but I've learnt that If somebody gives you a compliment, take it. Thank them. Don't say, oh, yeah, well it wasn't really that good, or, how could yuo say that, there was x, y, z, wrong with it, as it makes them question why they complimented you in the first place, and ultimately you're putting yourself down.
Maybe these people are not used to being complimented or maybe, they are seeking attention by being humble and acutely apologetic.
The fact is if these people thought maybe I'm been stupid, or something which begun maybe I'm been, and they didn't want to be, they wouldn't be. So they don't really think that, they just want some approval or complements from their audience, which usually responds in the way the person wants it to unless of course, I'm in the audience. Secondly, if you really think somethings not right with yourself, you'll put it right. If you don't like something about yourself, you'll attempt to change it. Faliar to do this though pointing out you don't like it prooves you're a dishonest attention seaker. I usually think it's best to have nothing to do with people who are obsessed with themselves to the point of trying to get attention or complements. Usually, most of their friends are do gooders because everyone else can't stand them, and only do gooders feel sorry for such people anyway. They're not worth the time, they're usually perminant problem people and if you don't want to be a 24 hour counciller and you don't want to feel as you would if you watched your favorite hundred people die in front of you as a result of a suicide bomber, they're best left to themselves and their sympathisers.
I agree with Sam. When someone pays me a compliment, my natural first inclination is to say something humble just because the compliment made me feel a bit uncomfortable. But I know that when I pay someone a compliment, I really mean it and I don't want to have to listen to the person put themself down. So I have learned to try to remember just to say "thank you" and that usually makes me feel better and makes the person who gave the compliment relax as well. Hope that made sense.
Usually, when I say I'm not that good at something, that's what I honestly think. If I'm calling myself stupid, then I really feel stupid. I don't know, though. I think some of it may have to do with the culture people are raised around. I have an Asian friend, who is spectacular on the piano, and I love to hear her play whenever I can get her to play something for me. Thing is, she's always criticizing her ability, and downgrading herself because she really, honestly doesn't think she's all that great. She keeps saying she can do better, or she screwed up this or that part, and blah blah blah. But then, her parents are always telling her she could have done better, so who knows? Maybe she really does feel like she's not good enough. I do know, though, that after a while, I want to tell her to shut up because it does get irritating.
Good points about compliments. I think denying a compliment doesn't do anyone any favours, and is actually kind of rude to the complimenter, like they obviously have lousy judgement if they thought that was good, etc. Also, with the defensive self-cryticism, I think some people do it before they ask a question, or for advice, as a way of saying, I'm smart enough to be aware that this might be a silly question, but.... Does that make any sense?
The only compliments that make me feel uncomfortable is when people, usually strangers, tell me how amazing I am when I've just done something very mundane and ordinary, not only for me but for anyone at all. It's at those times that I have to be honest with folks and tell them I'm just doing what ordinary folks do and what I did was no major feat. I'm not Hercules or Superman or some brave or noble soul that's so much better than the average human.
i agree with resonant, i often ask questions that might be regarded to the person i'm asking as stupid or or very simple, i will often ask them "i know this is most likely a stupid question, but..." and so on. i don't think there's anything wrong with that.
But when you say, "I know you might think this is a stupid question" aren't you setting yourself up to be potentially insulted? What if your friend says in reply, "Yes, it was a stupid question, so why don't you just shut up!" Do you feel it would be arrogant to just ask your question without pointing out how stupid you expect your potential audience might think it is? Please understand I'm not picking on you but I just want to know why you do what you do.
Hmmmm, I guess, I'd only mention it if I really thought it was a stupid question, as, for example, all the computer-related questions I ever ask are, and in that case I wouldn't care if they told me it was stupid, as long as they answered it anyway. Maybe it's a defensive thing. Maybe saying, "This is a stupid question, but", is like saying, "I'm usually smarter than this, really, but". to stop us being labeled by our one stupid question, especially if we don't know the person we're asking. I really have no idea, but it's got me thinking...
Well, I'm glad I was able to get you thinking, as that's kind of the purpose of the topic. I believe people do and say a lot of things without even thinking about it much. I guess I'm one of those who believes there are no stupid questions, although sometimes there are questions that are vague or worded poorly, but I wouldn't criticize somebody for that. Plus, I don't expect people to just know everything automatically. We're all ignorant about at least one subject. Ask me anything aout sports and I guarantee you will not get any kind of answer from me. Hahahahahaha!
well, I seem to remember as a young teen, if I messed up on too many things, I was usually saying, I can't do anything right. I didn't say it to get compliments, to me, I was just telling it the way I saw it. I really felt at times I couldn't do anything right. I haven't done that in a long time. I realize I bore some folks, but make no apologies, since one persons' boredom is another persons enjoyment, and it's unlikely I'll shut up until I get ready to, lol. I consider myself average, not a genius by any stretch of the imagination, but not stupid either. It's very discomforting sometimes to ask computer questions of people who are 20-30 years younger than me, since geeks sometimes make me feel stupid, but that feeling doesn't last long, and so long as the persons computing answers don't lead me astray, or make my computer go nuts, I can live with it. The fact that most computer knowledgible people are mostly 30 years younger than I am is just a fact of life, and one that I must accept and live with. So, there you have it, I'm not brilliant, but not stupid, not the most interesting person in the world but maybe not the most boring person on earth either. If someone tells me I did good on something, I say thank you and mostly leave it at that.
wonderwoman
but what if people like your family keep telling you that you are stupid, retarded, can't do anything right, never understand things? if they keep saying that, it's normal to think maybe they are right? if I say I am stupid it's because I am feeling stupid. if people answer yes right you are stupid, they are just confirming what my family says. if they say I'm not, well I start wondering who is right...
Yeah, when I'm unsure I tend to put myself down. At the time I don't know I'm doing it cos its how I feel... but when I'm happy - no way !! *grins*
The Worst, it sounds like your family is verbally abusing you. So it's up to you. You may not be able to shut htem up or stop them, but just because they repeat something a thousand times does not make it true. If I told you a thousand times that two plus two equals five, would that make it true? Of course not. Two plus two would still make four no matter waht I told you. I mean, unless there are particular things you do that cause your family to constantly put you down, it most likely isn't the truth.
I used to put myself down a lot when I was a teenager I wouldn't accept complemments etc. Now thinking back I suppose it was because my mother used to put me down a lot.
Now though I learned to smile and say thank you when I'm beeing complemented and I know my both my strong and week points and don't go on about the latter now.
I do tend to appolojise a lot though.
I think that's because as a teenager I hated to admit that I was wrong sometimes and now I've gone to the other extream.
I'm trying to work on the appolojising thing however.
Maria.
it's a very tricky thing. if someone tells you something enough, then you start to believe it because it gets re-enforced. i have this problem because of a passed relationship. it has given me a fear of losing because my x always thought i was cheating and stuff when in actual fact i wasn't in the slightest. and because she eventually walked away amid all the crap, well basically that fear of losing etc has carried right over into my life and i find that it's very difficult to shake off. also cause of constent arguing and battling in my family i am also used to being totally on the defencive.
I'm sorry but I know that saying this might make me seem stupid but I'll say it anyway. :)I think that when a person does this, it's a way of anticipating the listeners reaction, a way of maneuvering the listener into a position that isn't prideful or "smart-assy." If you want to ask a question or say something you're not so sure of, and if the person you're speaking with is more intelligent than you, then making your position clear to him/her will tell him to take a friendly spirit, to speak in words which meet your level of understanding. I think it's a good tactic to use in communication because, if I truly want to learn something from someone who is more informed than me, then I want him to break it down to the simplest terms, to speak with me as if I were a kid until I get it. You know that there are those who want to announce their intelligence to the whole world by using 20 syllabled words, and I think that for them it's a waste of knowledge and a waste of opportunities because, instead of using their intelligence to teach others, they use it to make themselves look greater than everyone they speak with. Okay, maybe it's not a waste of knowledge. :) But I think that if a person who comes with genuine ignorance to ask someone a question or make a seemingly half-witted statement, then this person is really asking for an opportunity to be taught. In my opinion, it's good to be approached like this, because if I'm maneuvered into having to teach someone who's less informed something that I know intimately, then I'm challenged to be a teacher, and a challenge is always good; it helps you think in different ways and to speak in different ways. I don't catch myself saying this as much as I say other things to prepare my listener for what I'm about to say. For example, if I'm going to tell someone the truth, and I know that what I'm about to tell him or her has the potential to offend them, then I prep my statement with something like: "I don't know if I should tell you what I'm thinking, I think it's gonna hurt you...". And by doing this I anticipate the reaction I might get, I prepare my listener as well as myself for what may come. And I've found that doing this really helps me to be truthful, and it helps me speak my mind without being blunt. Maybe you can think of it as self-coaching, teaching yourself how to engage others in a way that is suitable for you both.
I actually had a friend back in a summer program who used to do that all the time, always making herself feel low even though she did things that were good or bad the first thing that would come out of her mouth was "Sorry sorry sorry." She'd say sorry 3 or 5 times in a row and would say something like ah damn I'm so damn stupid. You could say to her "Amy no you didn't mean it I know it wasn't your fault and she'd say no it wasn't good I'm just so stupid for doing it. I think the reason why they may do it is because they've been around their family members or friends and whatever they'd do they fault the person for each time they do something even if it wasn't their fault and then the person who they insult looks at this as them being at fault for everything they do. I don't know I could be wrong but it's just my thought of view.
Yes, I admit, I put myself down allot because that's honestly how I feel about myself. I could think up a long list of bad things about myself. I don't tell anyone what I'm good at, because I don't like bragging.
IMO, it's only bragging if you were to constantly say you're the best at something. If you said you're good at something just in conversation, it's not nearly as bad as bragging about it 24/7.
I think people generally want to exceed expectations. That means either they have to do very good or, else, they try to lower other people's expectations first and then exceed them. How many people do you know who claim they did horribly on said exam and then get good grades. Sometimes it's probably geuninely what they think but I think they generally create a confidence buffer by making it appear to others they did worse than they honestly think they did.
And sometimes it's easier to put yourself down and claim you can't do something than rise to the challenge. My little sister had some trouble with math to begin with in 8th and 9th grade and she started with the "I'm just stupid, I can't do this" speech. I kept making fun of her and fortuantely, since she's family and I know her, telling her she really was that stupid got her irritated enough so that I could explain what percentage math is all about. I wouldn't dare doing that with someone I didn't know well though, but it demonstrates that sometimes people find this the easy way out. I also thik there is a difference between saying "I'm stupid" and "it's probably a stupid question" one implies the person is stupid, the other just that the question may sound stupid to me because I am supposedly good at whatever the person is asking me (more often than not it turns out I don't know the answer to the supposedly "stupid" question so it makes me feel stupid).
And, oddly enough, the stupidest questions I've got are never prefixed with the "it may be a stupid question" comment. So, basically I understand why someone would say that but really it does not make it any easier to answer or explain so I'd rather people did without it.
And, of course, in some cases it's genuine lack of self confidence, whatever may have brought it about.
Although I don't see how senior can relate being a friend's counsellor to 100 of his best mates blown up by a suicide bomber (is that worse than them being killed in a hurricane) .. that is one comment I must say sounded rather stupid on this board (not implying senior himself is stupid, there's the difference).
cheers
-B